What does it take to find “the one”? Gazing upon the picturesque view of sunshine hitting the peaks of stunning Simi Valley hillocks, we pondered on this age-old question. After the discussion, my friend suggested that I write down my take on the subject. So here I go!
My take, I should point out, is my humble opinion based on my own experiences and sensibilities. It works for ME. Anyone who knows me would tell you that I am certainly no expert in this particular subject 🙂 I have no intention of suggesting how one should approach this or any life matter. Like other articles in this category, this one too is a musing.
My theory is that the decision to choose a life partner finally boils down to this triangle of compatibility:
The first one’s a no brainer, right? Love, in this context, encompasses all feelings of attraction – romance, sex, chemistry – you get the drift. Without this vertex, it wouldn’t be a life partner compatibility triangle but an “any relationship” line segment. When two people develop the same romantic feelings to a mutually acceptable degree, they are all set to try and explore the likelihood of a long term relationship (marriage, for example).
Then there’s respect! It’s possible to get attracted to someone, even love them with all their flaws when you spend some time with them. However, unless you respect the behavior, personality, actions, ethics of your partner, you are bound to run into problems sooner or later. Respect, like love, develops over time as you experience the actions and thoughts of your partner. It also employs your moral compass. While you may agree to disagree upon a few things, certain things may be non-negotiable for one or another. For example – punctuality, hygiene, humility are my non-negotiables. So on dating apps, when I see that a woman’s answer to the question “I’m known for..” is “being late”, it’s a dead end. Once two people accept organically that they both respect each other’s values and can live with the disagreements, this very vital criterion is met.
And then comes the most practical one of the three vertices – Goals. Two people may love and respect each other enough but they also need to be true to their own identities. Everyone has aspirations, goals, dreams for what they want to do with their limited years on this planet. To make a lifelong partnership work, two people would not only need to be cognizant and supportive of each other’s goals, but also align them in a way that they can build a fruitful life together. If one plans to live life as a teacher in the mountains of Nepal, and the other insists on being a developer in San Francisco, or if one wants to travel the world all year round while the other enjoys a grounded, indoors life in one town – it might be tough to find bliss.
Of course, people make sacrifices for their partners all the time. In all of these three vertices, one partner or another is probably going to make some compromises to keep the relationship stable. That’s commitment. The question is – how much is okay? Where’s the line? Think of it like a balance with one partner’s sacrifices on each side. If the scales tip too much in either direction, the equilibrium is lost. If one or both of the parties in the relationship are having to compromise too much on their feelings or values or goals, that’s a red flag.
Also, there is no particular order to these three vertices. One doesn’t necessarily come after the other. In several long-lasting arranged Indian marriages, feelings of love develop at a later stage (speaking of the ones where couples are actually happy, not the ones where there is just silent suffering for years to avoid societal backlash). Couples take a leap of faith based on familial approval of mutual respect and agreement of goals. This initial respect is often based on things like one’s financial stability, security, qualifications, qualities, culture, horoscopes, et all. Love may come later.
So, long story short – If I can build the compatibility triangle of mutual love, respect, and goals with someone, I’m not letting her go! Let’s see where this mantra lands me 😀